So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize