My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
He kissed a someone with a penis
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
