girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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