In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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