listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
