I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
