i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
