just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
