please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
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He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
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I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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