JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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