The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
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I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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