Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
