Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
