I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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