my mouth tastes like poor choices
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
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I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
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One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..