on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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