Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
