I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
