this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My breasts were aching with rage.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
