i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Terrible idea I love it
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
