i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
me + whiskey = a bad person
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
