I got chris browned last night
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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