Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
