its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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