she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
