im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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