he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
