a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
