I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
