My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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