he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Shame - the story of my life.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
