either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
