I can't watch pbs sober anymore
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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