i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
