U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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