glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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