We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
