I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
