Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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