If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I deserve this hangover.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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