there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
