Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
