Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
