I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
