You smell like stripper and shame
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
