i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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