I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
