I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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