i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
