Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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