you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
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Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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