Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
