I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It's shark week go big or go home
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
