i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
